you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
