I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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