Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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