I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
