at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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