i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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