My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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