Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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