i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm both gender and math confused
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
