I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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