Only a mothe r could love this liver
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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