I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
