no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
