wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
