Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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