I threw up into my coffee this morning.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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