if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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