i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
