I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
