I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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