During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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