Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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