dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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