we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
