so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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