im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
