someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
