Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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