i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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