im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
