that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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