i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
