We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
