My first STD was from a foam party
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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