I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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