He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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