Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
