I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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