I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
