haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
