Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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