Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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