how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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