GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
