He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
