mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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