I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
