I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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