Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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