ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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