I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
