You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
