Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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